Have you ever had those moments when you've caught yourself speaking to another person and suddenly you hear your own words come back at ya?
Yep Guilty as charged.
As a rule, I honour myself in walking my talk. I do not do what I do because it's easy or because it's a great way to make money. In fact, I have had many moments crying to my husband about how my journey is too hard and why does it have to be so challenging . To his response " You are the trail blazer Carly, this is your path." I used to really resent that.
I delve into all of my emotions when they arise and I allow myself to sit in the moment while I make sense and come to terms with my findings. Allowing the emotions to wash over me. Sounds beautiful, huh?
Sometimes this looks like a little girl opening Christmas pressies, or in a candy store, exciting, adventurous and keen to find out more.
There are other times, oh yes the other times, when it looks more like the wicked witch melting while it all comes apart.
What I have learned over the years though, is that it's all beautiful. Both my inner child and my wicked witch are precious to me. By the way, I really don't feel the painful times are represented as a wicked witch, that is just to paint a picture for you readers. I actually feel that the challenging times could be more accurately represented as a caterpillar morphing into a beautiful butterfly. But for this story, we will use a witch because that is fun.
We learn just as much from our lessons filled with love and excitement as we do from our times of coming apart and both are what makes us who we are.
This is the same for the people in our lives that have bought us much love and joy and the people who have bought us pain, sorrow and personal challenge.
The growth and evolution of our souls journey from both of these ones has bought us to where we are now in our lives. Here is a little side note, if you don't like where you are now, it's time to make some new decisions. Perhaps it's time to change the way you view the situation and yourself.
I know people feel much challenge by this thinking, however it is my belief that we make agreements with people about the lessons our souls need to have in order to gain the higher learning and with whom we will learn from. That being the case, we can thank these ones for putting up their hands to help us out.
So while I was coaching a client on a painful relationship he had experienced , I heard my own voice speaking back to me.
I had not been in contact with my Dad for 18 months. My relationship with my Father had not been an easy one. Over the years we had many periods of not being in contact. When I began my awakening and my personal healing journey, I had made contact with him. This particular time there had not been a falling out as such. There had been more of what I'd call, a moving away from. I hadn't made a conscious decision to do do this. It was a situation that happened authentically. Much gtime had passed and it had become increasingly difficult to make contact with him. I knew he wouldn't contact me so I had to be the bigger person again and make contact. Do you ever feel like you are always the person who has to be the brave one? Ah yes, my husbands constant reminder about being the " Trail Blazer" is ringing is my ears again. See, I told you I resented that.
I had asked myself the question " Would I be able to live with myself if he passed away leaving it like this?" and my answer was always, " I would not feel happy, however I would also not blame myself either." My self esteem was very good and I would live with it.
This is a great strategy if you're wanting to chicken out. It really allows you to take no action at all and use self esteem as a form of protection rather than acting upon what I really needed to do.
It almost feels like " I'll say sorry if you say sorry first." Yes, real grown up of you Carly, good one. Because you don't have any tools to deal with it in any other way do you?
Darn it, I couldn't use this any longer as my strategy because I knew without a shed of doubt what I had to do.
I then read a question that came in an email that said " If you had the courage to act on something in your life what would it be?"
Well there it was, smacking me in the face, " COURAGE." I knew there was no getting out of this one. It was a lack of courage to call my Dad. I was shitting bricks. I was so uncomfortable about making that move that I had reframed the scenario to make it look like I was in control. I'm a master at this.
I used phrases like " Sometimes in life we have to just accept things are the way they are," and " You can't win them all." I could always feel my husbands look each time I mage these one liner statements. Anyone who knows me knows I don't operate like that. I believe that we can always make a difference in some way and I believe in winning even if that means truly feeling inner peace and love towards ourselves and others in which case I really didn't feel this way. I felt like a fraud. I felt like a cheat. I felt ashamed and that I wasn't walking my own talk. I did not feel like I had done all that I could do. I knew deep down that Dad wasn't going to turn me away. I knew we'd have a shit fight at first but then he'd feel as good as I would about us being in contact again.
So here is what I did, I" Embraced the Trail Blazer"
I did take action yesterday, it was uncomfortable, I did shit myself, I did fight with him. It lasted for about 15- 20 minutes and then we spoke for about half an hour more or more about what we'd been up to and all that is good in our lives.
We agreed that we wouldn't do that to each other again, then we cleared the air and agreed to put that behind us.
We hadn't spoken for 18 months because neither of us felt brave enough to call the other one. Turns out I am pretty brave after all and I feel truly blessed for being " The Trail Blazer."
What I haven't shared with you is the work it took to build up the courage to make that call. I haven't shared with you the tears, the letter burning ceremonies, the healing sessions and the countless books I listened to in order to make sense of so many childhood fears, memories, traumas and occasions where I felt terrified of my Dad and was almost frozen stiff in my bed at the fighting with my mum and the drunken evenings that he wouldn't even remember.
While I was taking a meditation class this week, I was shown me sitting on my Dads knee at the kitchen table while he was playing the drums with his fingers on the table. This was a regular thing in our home. Dad could play the drums and we loved music. I was also shown many other happy times where he was genuinely happy and I could see love in his eyes watching his family sing and dance.
It's a human thing to only remember the painful or difficult times. Let me tell you, there were many. But there were also fun times and if we dig deep enough and begin to gain a deeper understanding about not only our own psychology but the psychology of the people who have given us the gift of pain, we can understand not what they do but why they do it.
We all do the best job we know how using the tools we have in our tool box. Just as I said earlier, I wasn't ready to contact him until I was.
As we navigate our way through life and peel back the layers, we become stronger , braver and more courageous than we ever thought was possible. I think people get that mixed up. I think people fear that as they begin peeling back the layers they will be left exposed and vulverable, ripe for the picking. It's not the case. We are far stonger when we are not carrying so much baggage.
If we are really brave, we are willing to put ourselves out there to really be seen, to really show up and to really stand in our truth warts and all. Soon we see our warts as beauty spots and we begin to change the way we see ourselves and the world.
This is where the real magic happens. This is where the heart heals and life really opens up to us, or rather we open up to life.
It's bloody scary, it's bloody painful and sometimes it's bloody ugly, but then again, it's all in the way we see it isn't it?
So I ask you now, if you were courageous enough , what would you act on in your life right now?